BFN, CD 1 I think

Well this cycle was a BFN for the first time ever. It feels weird. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather this happen than to m/c. I've said that since my 3rd m/c. But wow, I'm surprised a little - I think just because I had 2 eggs. So I was a little sad, not gonng lie. Would have been an awesome DD (May 14th). But oh well. It just wasn't our time, clearly. So, now that this has happend, and actual real live O cycle with no pregnancy, I'm starting to rethink things. Was what I thought was early pregnancy symptoms just ovulatory symptoms?? Maybe they did fertilize and tried to implant but they weren't chormosomially correct to implant?? I'll never know of course. But I'm thinking that it will make my next cycle much more relaxed. I can't question, is it or isn't it because I don't really know if it's just Ovulation symptoms or pregnancy symptoms. I'm ok with that. Maybe I won't be such a POASer next time. I went through 2 boxes of preg tests. Maybe the not knowing will make me wait longer. And now I have an actual LP length. This one was 12 days, or 13 depending on what day I actually O'd on. I think today is going to be CD 1. Still deciding. I did take the progesterone last night because I was only barely spotting yesterday and I wanted to make sure that it was AF and not anything else. So no more progesterone until next time. Looks like I'll be starting Clomid again on Saturday... The good news this time is that we don't have to wait to cycle. Last time, I'd get pregnant, then m/c, then have to wait a whole month to cycle again. No waiting this time which I like. It's also made me think about the possibility of not having any more children. Which also makes me sad. But, I don't have alot of options left and I can only take these medications for so long. So it is a real possibility. This cycle has definitely made me step back again and get slapped back to reality. I'd be ok without another child. I would. I know it. Matthew would just be a spolied rotten only child. That's ok. I'd come to terms with it. It would make me sad that he won't have siblings to grow with and be friends with. And I won't get to love on another baby or toddler or child. But, if that's the card we are dealt then ok. I'd deal. God blessed us with Matthew and he is an awesome boy. It is hard to ask for more with him. Alison