29w4d

Tomorrow's the shower!

I can hardly believe it. It seems like May would take forever to get here....now May is almost over and we are closing in on June. Where does time go??? As I sit here and type this, Matthew is moving in my belly and I can see my belly moving and jumping. And even though I see this and feel this, it is just crazy to me STILL that my dreams are about to come true. This baby shower has taken me by surprise a bit...just in the fact that I feel so blessed and so grateful to even be having a shower at all. Even though we had to go through all we went through to get Matthew, I still feel so blessed and so grateful for everything. I guess I would feel that way regardless, but I think it is a much stronger emotion and feeling because I think we appreciate it more than if we never would have had to go through any of the infertility and loss.

Since my belly has gotten bigger ;), I have been getting alot more questions from strangers like, "when are you due?" or "is this your first?". The second question is hard to answer for me. Yes, Matthew will be our first born. But, is he our "first"....no not really. It's not my first pregnancy - it's my fourth. He's not my "first" baby. He's my first to make it this far, and he'll be my first born. So, I really hate answering that question. I always answer "yes", but in the back of my mind I say "No". I can't forget the other babies, even though they didn't have a chance and we lost them early. It still leaves a scar on your heart - I think for life.

But, despite all of that, I always knew things would work out however they were supposed to, and one way or the other we would be parents. I didn't know how that would happen or when. But, everything happens for a reason. I've always believed that. We were meant to go through all that crap - maybe to make us appreciate life more. Maybe to make us appreciate family more and the meaning of family. Maybe to take a step back and realize that everything is out of our hands - it's up to God. And, maybe all of the above. All I know is that this baby, Matthew, is meant to be with us. It all works out...

I guess this is why I feel so sentimental about this whole shower business. It means more to me than "just a baby shower" and getting gifts for Matthew. It's part of a dream that I almost didn't think would happen. I can't believe I'M getting ready to have a baby shower tomorrow. I'm so excited about it - and so grateful. I hope I don't cry like a dork tomorrow...but I probably will. All happy tears. ;)